Vending machines.

I would like to write about something extremely important to me - the vending machines on campus, and their evil vendetta against me.

You might think that I’m exaggerating severely, but oh, no, if only I could make this up. You see, I am slightly addicted to Sprite. Maybe more than slightly addicted. I’m lucky enough to be on a campus that carries Coke products, so the vending machines are supposedly well-stocked. I am quite used to said vending machines being sold out of Sprite when I have a craving, and it is always a slightly letdown to swipe my Eagle card, hit the Sprite button, and see that tragic “SOLD OUT” flash at me. Or the other day, when I was taking a break from tutoring in the Math Lab and needed something to drink, I got a very unfortunate “CASH ONLY” notice. Honestly, hardly anyone carries cash on this campus. You just don’t need it, your Eagle Card does everything. When the Sprite is not sold out and the machine decides that it’s accepting cards, though, the excitement I get upon hearing the machine make vending noises is ridiculous, as I anticipate my beautiful can of soda popping out at the bottom.

As if it weren’t bad enough that the machines like to run out of my most precious commodity, though, sometimes they just like to mess with my head. Earlier in the semester, when I was watching a movie with some friends, I needed Sprite- badly. So I grabbed a friend, took the elevator down to the lobby of Edmond’s, swiped my card, and hit the Sprite button. I heard vending noises- the sure sign of success!- and got giddy with anticipation of my bubbly refreshment. The clanking and machine noises seemed to be taking a bit longer than usual, and suddenly ceased, but no Sprite had appeared yet. I shot my friend a very confused look, and then glanced at the machine. “SOLD OUT.”

EXCUSE ME? “Sold out”??? Then why did you clink and clank at me, Mr. Vending Machine? Seriously. You’re not supposed to make vending noises unless you are going to VEND.

Well, you can imagine that I really, really needed Sprite now, especially because I thought I was going to get some. So my friend and I trotted over to the next building (Walsh), waited for someone to let us in, and then went over to the vending machine. I swiped my card, hit the button for Sprite, and heard the much-anticipated clinking and clanking noises. SUCCESS! Really, machines only make those clinking and clanking sounds when it’s going to provide the selected beverage. That one in Edmond’s was just a fluke. I surely had the unfortunate luck or having had the person before me buy the last Sprite, was all.

Wait, what? Where is my Sprite, Mr. Walsh Vending Machine?? “SOLD OUT”? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Okay, this just means war. Not only do I still have no Sprite, oh, no, that’s not enough for these machines. They must also fake me out with their stupid clinking and their absurd clanking.

At this point, my friend described me as being like a very angry pregnant woman being denied the one treat she is desperately craving. That’s why he quite happily followed along as I stormed off to find the vending machines in the next building, the Gate. At least my plight was providing entertainment for someone, I suppose. At any rate, we find the vending machines, though it doesn’t look promising- the snack machine is completely empty- but I swipe my card any way. The clinking and clanking sounds now mean nothing to me… I must have managed to un-Pavlovian dog myself. What’s that actually called? Extinction of classical conditioning. Thank you, psych class.

Wait, really? There’s actually Sprite here??? YES! THANK GOODNESS!